


Ikigai

by mangushyio



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I hurt myself writing this smh, M/M, What are Tags?, more to be added - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangushyio/pseuds/mangushyio
Summary: Ikigai : A Japanese concept which means "The reason for being." The both of them knew this, the only reason they would get out of bed in the morning was to run to each other, but would this concept last? After all, love is a concept; That's what they believed - at least.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 5





	1. prologue

"Do you ever wonder why some spots on the grass are greener and healthier than the others?" Tsukishima asked suddenly, Yamaguchi dropping his mint choco ice cream in his mouth to answer, "No, why?" looking up at him with a curious look, a look that always caught Tsukishima off guard, always. His eyes were lit with a childlike wonder under the deep green hues of his pupils as he looked up at him, causing Tsukishima to avert his gaze as he continued, "It's because someone is buried down there, someone who was lively, but that's just what my mom usually told me growing up." He heard an acknowledging hum from the other, probably even noticing a small nod as Yamaguchi directed his attention back to his melting ice cream. 

The both of them continued walking for some time along the stone pathway of the park as the sun set above them, lowly dipping into the horizon as it bathed their surroundings in an awe striking gold, everything shining so beautifully at the time of day, and it didn't help that the Yamaguchi looked so angelic at the time, glowing with an obvious comfort and joy even with the monotone face, Tsukishima thinking he got caught staring when he suddenly brought up, "Then do you think if you die, there'll possibly be flowers above your grave?" Yamaguchi responded softly, Tsukishima scoffing under his breath due to the irony of the sentence. Sure, he knew Yamaguchi was an optimist and looked up to him since they were little but he was always so, oblivious. So to avoid coming off as a said "interesting person" Tsukishima assured, 

"Not mine, yours maybe."


	2. one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ikigai : A Japanese concept which means "The reason for being." The both of them knew this, the only reason they would get out of bed in the morning was to run to each other, but would this concept last? After all, love is a concept; That's what they believed - at least.

"Okay, let's get this straight. You, want me, to come to an outing with the other idiots of our generation in the Karasuno volleyball team, just because you don't want to go alone?"

Tsukishima wished he was joking. He and Yamaguchi had taken a stop at Sakanoshita Store the evening after Daichi had let them off of practice early, the sun had pretty much set at the point and it was getting darker out as the pair picked up a few snacks for their late-night homework session which was due to take place when they get straight to Yamaguchi's place. Although right now, the green haired boy was looking up at Tsukishima like a stray puppy with those pleading eyes he just downright hated. Well, wished he did. "Well, it's not that bad of an idea! You should try to get along with them more, we are stuck with them for the next two years anyway." He encouraged as he dropped a bad of chips into the already growing pile of snacks Tsukishima was holding, the pile almost toppling over as they made their way to the counter. "Yams, listen, I don't like them. They're so dumb it makes my brain want to combust, and don't even get me started on Hinata." He dropped the pile onto the counter and slung his bag over to rummage for his wallet, Yamaguchi taking a glance at the pile of snacks before shooting their coach a smile, the older acknowledging him with a nod as he took the cigarette between his teeth to his fingers and picking up their products and scanning them.

"You probably just didn't try to get to know them, salty." Ukai commented, Tsukishima clicking his tongue at the nerve of their coach for listening in on their conversation, Yamaguchi adding an enthusiastic 'I know!' but anything that didn't concern him just flew over his head, not like he had to know. "Tsukki, for your own social good, you're coming!" Yamaguchi snapped, Tsukishima almost flinching but he sensed the softness in his voice because Yamaguchi wasn't one to demand, but he seriously wanted Tsukishima there, didn't he? The blond shook his head and paid for the hoard of food they bought and took the plastic bag from their coach, slightly bowing before abruptly leaving and pulling his headphones over his ears, hearing the usual "Tsukki wait!" behind him before the occasional noises of the countryside were replaced with his playlist which had been on loop for a while now; he probably missed a few songs but as if that mattered.

He felt his headphones get yanked off of his head with a small grunt but the force was enough to make him stumble backward into Yamaguchi, causing the other to fall over on his back but he managed to bounce into a sitting position as if he didn't nearly get a concussion, still with a serious look plastered on his face. "What was that for?" Tsukishima scolded, giving a hand to him so he could stand up. He watched Yamaguchi brush off the dust on his uniform and hand the headphones back while clearing his throat, mumbling something under his breath about the headphones before saying, "Anyway, you are coming right? It's just a picnic after all, and I wouldn't want you to miss out, we're in high school, we should make the most of it." Tsukishima pulled the headphones over his head and rested them on his neck before stuffing his hands in his pocket with a sigh. "Since when were you one for the memories?"

Yamaguchi smiled brightly at him, "Since I met you, you make life more interesting." He poked the blond's cheek softly before walking off in a sort of prance, Tsukishima rolling his eyes as he trailed behind him, a small smile placing itself on his face as he followed Yamaguchi back to his home.

Several hours later into the night, they were at Yamaguchi's house, both of them changed into whatever they could find lying around in the mess that is Yamaguchi's room before settling on his bed, books and stationaries thrown everywhere with a few worksheets set next to the both of them as most of the work they needed to frantically finish was done, now they were in the midst of finishing smaller works in silence. Though he was working on something, Tsukishima had a feeling Yamaguchi was slacking off, because he'd checked up on him five times now and he still had the end of his pencil between his teeth, mindlessly allowing his eyes to roam the words on the paper with no clue of what he's doing. "Bored?" He asked, Yamaguchi darting his attention to him, pulling his pencil from his lips with a small 'ah', shaking his head in obvious denial. This made Tsukishima exhale in disappointment, but even so, he placed down his worksheet and got up, walking up to the other end of the bed where Yamaguchi was, extending a hand to him. Yamaguchi looked at it skeptically, his eyes going from Tsukishima's hand to his face in confusion, but he still set down his work too and took it. The blond led his best friend from the room to the front door of his house, Yamaguchi asking in an anxious babble, "Wait, where are we going? You do know it's really, late right? What if my parents find out?"

"Shut it bean sprout, they won't find out. They're sleeping so soundly they wouldn't even know if the sky was falling onto them." Tsukishima grumbled with an undertone of sarcasm, tightening his grip on Yamaguchi's palm just slightly as he led them both through the paths on their side of Miyagi, it took a few nooks and crannies later for them to make it to a rusty looking playground a few blocks away from their houses, Yamaguchi's eyes lighting up with a childlike wonder next to Tsukishima's. The green-haired boy looking back at his best friend excitedly, Tsukishima nudging his head towards the familiar scene. Yamaguchi ran in, his whole demeanor now filled with radiating joy, as if he wasn't about to die of boredom a few minutes ago.

"Tsukki! Tsukki! Look! It's the monkey bars I was on when I fell off from seeing you outside of practice for the first time, remember that?! God, you were so tall back then you could reach me from up here, now look, we're both towering over these things!" He watched as Yamaguchi ran from each and every piece of old equipment, vocalizing old memories he had from each of them as Tsukishima settled on the swings, nodding whenever he inquired his input with a 'you know?' or a 'right?'. To be completely honest, he didn't know half of what Yamaguchi was going on about, but he liked seeing he seemed happier, and the minute he noticed that a relieved smile that had already formed on his lips was forced to soften, to keep his image at least. Yamaguchi still raving about anything he can dig up from their childhood. At some point, his words kinda fizzled out and he looked at Tsukishima, a finger raising to the side of his head as he said softly, "I think I said too much.."

Tsukishima shook his head, patting the swing next to his before resting his hand on the chain. "It's sort of entertaining when you talk a lot, at least you're not slowly brain rotting." He said once Yamaguchi had taken a seat next to him on the swings, subtly rocking back and forth with a small chuckle. "I'd probably bore you if I do that too much though." He was looking down at his feet, his head resting on his palm which was holding onto the chains of the swing as well, looking as if he could drift off to a peaceful slumber the way he is. "You wouldn't know that about me." Tsukishima mumbled, his gaze stuck on Yamaguchi's hair since he was facing away from him, but soon enough he saw the green orbs of his eyes look at him so fondly, a smile reassuring him as he said, "I do know you, though."

"I'd love it if you were lying." He commented, being friends with someone for more than five years is a hassle, he'd believe.

"Well, I've been with you long enough to know you inside out, I can read you like an open book. And vice versa, it's just you were able to do that even before junior high." Yamaguchi added, going back to reminiscing since he couldn't think of anything else to say, but he had a feeling Tsukishima would come up with some snarky remark to it. "True, and that's why I brought you here." mildly snarky, Yamaguchi thought, grinning at how he got that right, giving himself a metaphorical pat on the back as he gushed at the blond, "Thanks Tsukki." The line must've caught him off guard, or it might've been the atmosphere, who knows what could've made the oh-so stoic, savage, and hard as metal Tsukishima Kei smile with that faint blush from back when he was a kid again, Yamaguchi was sure he hadn't seen that in years, a part of him wishing he got a photo of it but the memory was enough for him to swoon and the scene itself making him want to melt. He heard a quiet reply come from Tsukishima, making out most of it since he couldn't hear as "Anything for you." but he wasn't too sure.

"We should head back, we do have intense training tomorrow, as well as that picnic so we need to save up energy." Yamaguchi reminded, promptly standing from the swing, taking in one last heavy breath so he could savor most of his childhood, this place was going to be gone sooner or later anyway. "I still haven't agreed to go," Tsukishima explained strictly, trailing behind Yamaguchi who was already leaving, he seriously didn't like the other first years but that wasn't stopping Yamaguchi from bringing him. "You're coming anyway, be ready by four-ish after school" Shooting Tsukishima with a playful smirk, he stuck his tongue at him before beginning to leave in prance again. Tsukishima noticed he started doing that when he was happy recently, he wondered if it was an influence of Hinata rubbing off of him, hoping it wasn't. "Oh my god, let me please die before then." He knew some sort of painful migraine would be stuck with him the whole time they were at the picnic, hearing a laugh come from Yamaguchi he rolled his eyes but knew he couldn't get out of this now even if he wanted to.

When they got back to his house Tsukishima immediately picked up his bag and tried to stuff in most of his belongings inside along with his already bulky uniform, hating that he had to carry around the thicker one since winter was nearing. Yamaguchi had placed Tsukishima's things on his study table before heading to the bathroom quietly to change into something comfy, Tsukishima noticed he was carrying an oversized shirt he bought the other day with him since he was outgrowing his clothes. An automatic clicking of his tongue came, but he wasn't necessarily disappointed, Yamaguchi was picky with clothes. He leaned against the wooden doorframe to his room, scavenging his phone and texting his brother to keep the door open for him, waiting for Yamaguchi to come back so he didn't leave all too suddenly and worry him, but he was taking quite a long time, wasn't he? After an agonizing few moments, he finally showed up, heaving as if he came back from a practice session, or he was just imagining it.

He stuffed his phone into his pocket and set a hand onto his head, ruffling it slightly as he muttered, "Okay, I'll be leaving alright? My brothers awake thinking back on his pathetic life so I called him to open the door." Yamaguchi huffed and yanked his hand off of his head, "You should stop forgetting your keys at school, what if they get stolen." He lectured, and he was right. At some point, he kept forgetting them since Kageyama and Hinata would burst into their class to drag them to practice seconds after their class would be dismissed. "Well, sad. Bye, sleep well." He pulled his headphones over his ears, slipping into his shoes and leaving in the same hushed movements, Yamaguchi opening his window with as much force as he can since it had always been hard to open that thing, tipping his torso over the frame as he waved him off, Tsukishima waving subtly in some sort of acknowledgment before turning and briskly walking off in the same path to his house as he'd always gone.

Once he couldn't see even a slight strand of his best friend's blond hair, he felt nauseous up to his throat. It was unsettling, he couldn't breathe, his whole chest felt like it was closing in onto his heart.

His face screwed up as the weight of it all made him fall to the ground, he thought this had stopped back at the bathroom.

A sweet taste lining the walls of his throat with a faint trace of something, metal? He didn't feel good, he felt like dying, scrambling on the floor of his room which he could barely see anymore as tears were overflowing his senses.

He didn't want this, why was it happening, make it stop.

His hands curled up into fists, knuckles turning white as his gaze darted to something to focus on.

At this point he was gasping for air but he couldn't feel anything, he pulled one hand to clasp his throat as petals rushed out of his mouth, his whole-body force being pushed into the action, he felt weak.

No, this already happened. It was bad enough he was there when it did, he could've heard, just stop.

He was choking on the few petals that were stuck up his throat, forcing them out and noticing a red liquid staining them and the floor of his room. Blood?

A gush of cold wind came from the open window, but Yamaguchi didn't shiver, he was staring at what had just come out of his own body, pulling out the petals from earlier as he sat down. He swallowed the lump in his throat, remains of the petals and blood making him want to hurl, he wiped his tears with his free hand as he set down the petals next to the new ones. White, white carnations? He wouldn't know. There was an intense ringing going through his head, his throat hurt, and yet he clawed at his study table, opening the lower drawer and grabbing a book his mother gave him when he was still very young, saying he should open it when he was ready, he'd already done that. The book was about anything and everything to do with flowers, diseases too, He read it a few times but he wasn't much of a flower person. He flipped through the book like a madman, crumpling the pages when he tried to stop upon finding the page, his hands were shaking but he knew what he was reading, he longed that this wasn't it though.

Hanahaki; A disease where the victim of unrequited or one-sided love begins to vomit or cough up the petals and flowers of a flowering plant growing in their lungs, which will eventually grow large enough to render breathing impossible.

No, there has to be something, anything else that cancels this out. It's wrong, he can't have Hanahaki, anything but. He felt the lump he swallowed resurfacing, tears welling up in his eyes as he caught a glimpse of a picture, a flower, petals quite identical to the ones he coughed up. He flipped to the page, swallowing as he set his eyes on the text. White carnations symbolized innocence and pure love. If that's what they meant then why is it killing him? Why did Tsukishima have to like a flower that meant so little and he couldn’t even feel the same way the plant described? Why is it that whenever they passed the local florists, he always had his eyes fixed on these simple flowers, and yet.

This was getting absurd, he loved him, and now he knows, Tsukishima doesn't feel the same way. The oh-so stoic, savage, and hard as stone Tsukishima Kei didn't feel the same way as Yamaguchi did. The soft, anxious, and whole-hearted Yamaguchi Tadashi, meant nothing to Tsukishima but a friend, a friend. That's what he was always going to be, now and forever, he was to die this way too, hopeless. But he couldn't care less, Tsukishima was a good enough reason to live for him, but if that's how he felt then why was he clutching the book to his chest, sobbing as if his world was falling apart on such a beautiful night?

Well, he wasn't too sure himself.

**Author's Note:**

> a bit late but heres chapter one :D
> 
> i honestly don't know what to say since this is just the beginning but enjoy!


End file.
